Khighla

If someone asked me two months ago what was the worst possible thing I could ever imagine happening, I would not have the same answer I do now.  That's because my mind would never have reached the horrific idea of one of our children being murdered.

I hear of these unbelievable stories on the news or on crime drama television series.  I shiver in disbelief, but never remotely consider the possibility that it's real... that it's actually happening... or that it could ever happen in my own family.

My step daughter was kidnapped, murdered, and tossed in a lake.  News stories overwhelmed the TV, internet, and newspapers.  But Khighla was more than a news story.  Khighla was just 15 years old.  She was a beautiful girl, inside and out.  Now that she has been taken from us, I am writing in her memory.  I want to introduce you all to the girl beyond the news stories.

The photo above sums her up pretty well.  No better place for her than on the back of a horse.  She could have been quite happy living in a barn.  If she had her horse, she was content.  You can't see in this photo, but she was wearing boots.  She was always wearing boots.  She would come to our house with a bag packed with shorts and capri pants for the summer.  And boots.  No flip flops, no tennis shoes... just boots.  I wish I could tease her about that again.

Before my husband and I got married, that morning of our wedding I took all four of our girls to get pedicures with me, as they were all wearing flip flops for our outdoor summer wedding.  Khighla of course had never had a pedicure before and rolled her eyes at me for the thought of it.  Once it was her turn though, she loved every minute of it.  I wish I could take her for another pedicure.

Khighla could not make it through a sentence without saying "umm".  Sometimes saying it multiple times within one sentence.  It made us laugh.  We would try to get her to go for a day without saying "umm" and it was obvious that wasn't going to happen.  So, we would challenge her to go one conversation... that didn't work either!  I wish I could hear her voice one more time, even just "umm".

Khighla loved to go to the lake with us.  She never used enough sunscreen and came back with a sunburn every time.  Her hair was a beautiful color with natural highlights in the sunlight.  I wish I could see it blowing in the wind again.

Khighla was a teenage girl.  Teenage girls make naive decisions.  She was no exception.  Teenagers believe they are invincible.  They trust too easily.  They don't see the evil in the world.  They do things we wish they wouldn't, and they break the rules.  Didn't everyone as a teenager?  I wish we could lecture her about this one more time.

 Khighla had a passion for music.  She loved to sing.  I wish I could hear one more song.

She loved to go out to eat with us.  I wish we could take her to Mexican Villa one more time.

Khighla loved to read.  She could sit for hours with a good book.  She loved the twilight series and was on Team Jacob.  She sported a shirt with his face on it.  I wish there were more pages in her story.

Burying a child is a nightmare that nobody should ever face.  We yearn for justice, but to be honest it doesn't help.  They could take her killer out and shoot him and it wouldn't bring her back.  We can visit her grave, but can't see her smile again.  We can talk to her, but she can't talk back.  The world is a cruel place, and it's very difficult to move on.

A ton of people tell us "Let me know if there is anything I can do".  I know they mean well, and I know people just don't know what to say.  But the truth is, there isn't anything that anybody can do.  There isn't anything anyone can say to make the hurt go away.  It's nice to hear though, because we know how many people care.  Our family and friends have been an amazing support system.  But at the end of the day, she is still gone.  That is a void that will never be filled on this earth.

Love you Khighla...
DRD

What I swore I'd never do...

I became my mother.  All of those years I spent swearing I would absolutely never, ever, EVER do such horrible things to my children were such a waste of breath.

Can you believe my mother violated my privacy and read my private things?  Oh, how I hated her for this.  Now, my kids can't believe I would do such a nasty thing either.  Hey, if you're not communicating with me, and I am forced to rely on snooping to know what's going on in your life, then I guess that's what I've gotta do.  I am afterall responsible for you and your actions.  I want to make sure that I'm not the mama of the kid that goes on a crazy violent rampage at their school and everyone close to them swears they were just the best kid in the world and can't believe he or she would do such horrible things.  I'm sure glad my mom cared about me as much as I care about my kids.  Enough to find out what was going on with me... whether I told her or not.

My mom also used to spank me.  I cannot remember a single time I heard my mother say something like "You just wait til your father gets home!"  Hell, she'd get out the wooden spoon and make sure I had a welt on my ass that lasted until my father got home.  This was pure torture.  I took a vow with every spanking that I would never put my future children through such cruel and unusual punishment.  Somewhere down the line, between the back talking and the disobedience, I cracked.  I became a spanker.  Then once I broke my promise once, it was like an addiction.  Hey, if I spank 'em, they straighten up!  Maybe she just wanted me to behave and be disciplined instead of the hooligans that were hiding in the clothing racks at the department stores, or the misfits having a food fight in a public restaurant.  Now I'm like a spanking advocate!  There's something to be said for a good old fashioned butt whoopin'.  My mom loved me enough to spank me to ensure that I was respectful and good natured.  I'm passing that love down to my children.

My evil mother also used to make me do homework.  I saw no good reason for this, as I didn't foresee any point in my life that I would need to know that A+B=C or that I would care how an adverb was used... As I wasted so much of my life away doing this ridiculous homework, I thought to myself 'when I have kids, I'm going to boycott homework on my children's behalf.  There is absolutely no excuse for all of that tedious bologna.  Of course, when I went to college AFTER becoming a parent, I realized the value of an education.  Knowledge is power.  I make my kids do their homework because I want them to be empowered!

When I look back at photos of myself as a child, I gasp at the sight of the horrendous attire that my mother felt perfectly comfortable putting on me and toting me about in public.  I'm not just talking about fashion changes.  Hell, I didn't even match most of the time.  I was embarrassed and promised my future children to ALWAYS make sure that they were dressed in the most trendy, latest fashions.  I would make sure that their clothes not only matched, but coordinated with their siblings' fashion statement as well.  Somewhere between the temper tantrums over wearing cowboy boots with shorts, and my eyes rolling over one of my boys dressing himself in a t-shirt and baseball pants that fit snuggly under his knee cap with his flip flops... I sort of decided that their pride in dressing themselves was far more important than my childhood promise.  Cheaper too.  I still have to check before we leave the house to make sure all of them are wearing pants, because there's just some moments you have to put your foot down!  So, bravo mom!  I take my hideous outfits to mean that you were proud of my decisions and valued my independence.  Thank you for that.

When I was a teenager, there was nothing I hated more than being told I couldn't do something or go somewhere.  I was old enough to make my own decisions, damn it!  I was positive I'd let my teenagers do as they please... Then, one time when my first child was just shy of two years old, she wandered out of my sight in a public place while I dug through my purse for some cash to get her picture taken with Santa.  I looked up and didn't see her, and for those sweating, heart pounding 15 seconds or so that I couldn't breathe because I feared the worst, I promised myself that I would always protect her.  That means saying no sometimes.

My mom knew what she was doing after all!  I have more than once called her to remind her of how sorry and how thankful to her that I am... and I look forward to the day that my children dial my number to humbly admit that they became their mother.  It will be worth the wait. :)

My mother's daughter...
DRD

Everyone is not a winner.

I get pretty wrapped up in little league sports.  I'm that mom.  Every football or baseball season, I make a "mom shirt" that matches my kids' jerseys or shirts.  I am the one running along the sidelines at the football games, or yelling words of encouragement from behind home plate.

As baseball season is upon us again, I can't help but remember the days that I was on the field.  The same fields where my sons play baseball now.  I also can't help but wonder what ever happened to sports?  It has become political BS.  When I was a kid, I worked my butt off to prove that I was a good pitcher and an even better short stop.  Because that's what you  had to do.  These days all you have to do is be the coach's son.  We have coaches that are coaching to fulfill community service requirements.  We have first basemen that can't catch a ball to save their life, but daddy's a board member.  What do you think this does to the other kids on the team?  It makes them give up.  If their efforts to be a good team player and prove their skill fail because of political BS, why would they want to keep trying?

At the end of the season, it doesn't matter if you were a good sport or a poor sport.  It doesn't matter if you worked your butt off to prove yourself at a position, or if you were picking dandelions in right field.  You are a winner.  You will get a trophy, or a medal, because nobody knows how to lose.  This generation is raising a bunch of pansies because nobody wants a kid to get their feelings hurt.

As David McCullough Jr said in a recent commencement speech, "You see, if everyone is special, then no one is.  If everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless."  There is truth in these words.  Baseball is a competitive sport.  There is nothing wrong with healthy competition.  The point is to learn to try.  Motivation to win is healthy.  If you put your kids in COMPETITIVE SPORTS, it should come with the understanding that there is a WINNER and a LOSER in every game.

They'll be handing these out next:

Picture this.  Your son is a high school senior, and football player.  It's also his 18th birthday, and the bowl game.  Big day, right?  Imagine that he is mid run of the winning touch down and does a split second fist pump.  To be expected, given all the excitement don't you think?  This is a true story.  That boy was penalized for "excessive celebration" and his touchdown did not count.  They lost the game because of it.  His fist pump was considered to be "a taunting gesture", even though he was not even facing the opposing team... he was after all, ahead of them, and almost to the endzone when he raised his fist in the air for half of a second.  I for one, do not believe that he deserved to have that moment taken away from him.  This is an example of a rule that has come to be from people who believe "everyone is a winner".  If everyone is a winner, why bother trying?

Photo of the taunting gesture:

I had some good coaches growing up, and very encouraging parents.  It's probably why I'm so hard on myself now if I'm not the absolute best at everything I do.  But that's OK.  I don't have a sense of entitlement.  I know that I have to EARN my accomplishments.  It sucks to try to pass these ideals down to my children, when all they see is that their efforts don't matter.

 Is calling a fair game in 8 year old machine pitch too much to ask?  This is the age they are learning fundamentals.  If a coach is yelling at another coach that he's a cry baby in front of the 8 year old players, he should be thrown out of the game, not having the game called in his favor just because he's buddies with the umpire's daddy.  Children need to learn good sportsmanship.  This means learning how to win and lose with grace.  Yes, lose.  If they never lose, why would winning mean anything?

I get it.  T-ball is about having fun.  Just kinda learning which direction is first base.  Getting a concept for how the game is played, but more about playing in some red dirt and getting to wear a shirt with a number on the back.  I will holler at my son to let him know what's expected of him in the position he is playing, but if he goes the whole game without figuring it out, I still laugh it off.  Because he's 5.  You won't even know if you won or lost the game, and that's ok, because you're HAVING FUN.

Machine pitch, in my opinion is where the fundamentals are learned.  I think this means rotating players to different positions to find their strengths and weaknesses, decide on a position or two that are best for him or her.  This is the age that is also critical to teach sportsmanship.  You won't win every game, and that's ok, because you're LEARNING.

Kid pitch in little league should be about applying everything you've learned from previous seasons, and playing some real ball.  The fun part is when you win, and the learning part is when you lose.  You have learned a position or two, and you're getting good at them.  If you're not good at any of them, you've probably lost interest by now anyways.  (Parents: please don't force your kid to play a sport they don't want to at this point... you're not doing anyone any good.) You will not win every game, and that's ok, because it's LIFE.  Get over it.

Yay!  Look what I got!  I'm a winner!!

Ever watch American Idol?  Remember all of the people that come on the show and say that their whole lives, people have told them they are an amazing singer, they sound like Whitney Houston, blah blah blah...  Well then they open their mouths, and people laugh at them?  That's because they suck.  But their parents told them all their life that they were amazing at it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that we don't encourage our kids... but don't lie to them either.  Don't set them up for failure.  The truth that nobody wants to tell you is that you CAN'T be whatever you want to be.  God gave me different talents than he gave you.  Some people can sing, some people can't.  Some people can catch a baseball, some people can't.  I suck at math, but I can fly through a literature course like nothing.  It takes losing sometimes to figure out what you're made for.

Winning!!
DRD

sticks and stones...

Whoever said "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" lied.  After hearing the news of yet another teen suicide due to bullying, I have to break the silence.  WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!  Kids are being pushed around.  Kids are being called names and made fun of until they feel so worthless that they honestly believe the world would be a better place without them.

Parents need a wake up call.  The best place to stop bullying is not at school.  It's at home.  Schools can put up "BULLY FREE ZONE" signs until the walls are covered in them, and it's not going to solve anything.  A bully isn't going to look at that poster and change their way of life.

It's time moms and dads quit raising children to be bullies.  Or bystanders for that matter.  To watch a child get bullied and turn a blind eye is just as hurtful.  Get rid of the "my child can do no wrong" attitude, and teach them some integrity and respect for humanity.  Lead by example.  Do you make fun of people and then wonder where your children get it?  Have you called someone fat lately?  Have you reached out to someone lately to let them know that you love them for the imperfection that they are?  Your kids know.  And your kids will follow in your footsteps.

I am genuinely saddened by the youth of today.  It's very difficult to raise happy, healthy children when they are exposed to so much garbage in this world.  My children can call me over protective.  My children can complain that "so and so is allowed to do this or that".  But so and so isn't my kid.  There has been a severe lack of parenting in most of this generation.  Talk to your children.  Eat dinner together.  Ask them about their day.  One day, that will mean more to them than the latest video game.

I am not a perfect parent, and have never claimed to be.  It is not my intention to tick my readers off by this.  It's just to open some eyes.  Spread the word.  DO SOMETHING!  If you know of a child being bullied, don't ignore it, and teach your children not to ignore it either!  What kind of world do we live in where the "cool kids" are the mean ones?

Something to think about:  How would you feel if you had no idea the pain your child was hiding inside?  The suffering and the  torture they endured at school, on the bus, or at the playground.  For being smart... not smart enough... chubby... too short... too tall... poor... rich...  What if you found out your child was being bullied?  What if the first time you found out was in his or her suicide note?

words hurt...
DRD

I can't make this stuff up...

Did anyone else watch that William Shatner show "Bleep my dad says?"  Well my dad has said a few funny things in his lifetime... but NOTHING in comparison to the bleep my kids say!  I try to remember some of the hilarious crap that my kids have said over the years.  I have even written several down, just so that I can tell them about it when they are older.  And just when I think that it can't get much funnier, another mouth opens!  These are just a few of the things my kids have said that had me in tears laughing!

1. "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Amen!"  (the "Amen" replaced 8 9 10 when my daughter first learned to count.  Either because it sounded similar, or because it's what we say at the 'end'?  Not sure, but it cracked me up every time!)

2. 15 year old daughter: "What to say when someone dies is a popular Google search?!"  5 year old son: "I wouldn't say ANYTHING!  I'd just RUN!"

3. (5 year old getting an iPod touch for Christmas) "Sweet!  It has GPS on it!  I'll always know where I am!"

4. "If I had a billion thousand hands, I could win a snowball fight... but it would take me a looonng time to put my gloves on!"

5. Goofing around obnoxiously with the kids at the hardware store, one of them says: "Great.  We're that weird family that everyone is going to go home and post Facebook statuses about."

6. One son to another: "What flavor of bug juice is that?"  Reply: "Apple juicy fart."

7. "If I catch a fish, can I feel what it feels like?"  Yes, the first fish you catch, you have to kiss it on the lips.  "What if it EATS me?!"

8. "I wash my hands before lunch so my food doesn't get dirty."  (Great idea.  I've seen how dirty your hands get.)

9. "I can count backwards, see? 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0!"  Awesome!!  Did you learn that at daycare?  "No?  I learned that from the microwave!"

10. "Can I get a pet skunk and name it Wanker?"  (a dog maybe?)

11. "That didn't hurt!"  (Well let me fix that!)

12. "You don't have any idea what's cool... You're not even IN middle school!"  (You're right.  Kids that are wearing vampire teeth to school because they've taken the twilight bandwagon too far... THEY are so cool.)

13. (After my son, 3 years old at the time, is recovering from sedation for an EEG) Nurse: "Would you like some jello?"  son: "I'd like some BEANS!!  I love beans."

14. "How many is 16 plus 16?" 32. "Oh.  If 16 plus 16 is 32, I have 5 fingers.  On each hand!"  (Very good, son... very good.)

15. "Can I get a naked movie?" (Out of the mouth of a 3 year old... of course he meant "SMOOTHIE"... but a 3 year old walking through the store asking for a naked movie is always a good time!)

16.  I'm passing out life savers candies.  5 year old: "OHHH I want that green one!!  Is it BROCCOLI flavor?"  (I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most?  The fact that he believed someone would make broccoli flavored candy or the fact that he so desperately wanted that kind?)

17.  We kind of took in a stray cat.  It must have been sickly, because it died within 2 weeks of us finding her.  So, one day my son has his face pressed up against the patio door.  What are you looking at son?  "Well, not the cat, cuz it's DEAD!"

These are just a few of my favorites.  Stay tuned, as I keep writing this stuff down!

Apple Juicy Fart!
DRD

If dogs could read...

Well, hello stray doggy that was hanging out with my kids last night in the back yard.  When I opened the boys curtain this morning for some light, I must admit, I found it quite adorable that you propped your paws up on the window sill and just stared in the window all morning as they got ready for school.  It was so pitiful and we all immediately felt sorry for you sitting out there in the cold.

After they got on the bus, I began to wonder where you came from.  You are obviously quite happy here, as you stuck around all night.  I had to give my husband some puppy dog eyes of my own to convince him to let me bring you in and bathe you.  It had to be done... you were filthy!  But you sure cleaned up nice!

I'm glad that you like me and follow me around, because I kinda like you too.  Enough that I ran to target right after your bath to get some kibbles and bits.  I was pretty excited to see you waiting for me at the end of my driveway when I got home.  You seemed very excited when you recognized my truck.  I wonder if you were that excited when your former owners came home to you?

I'm sorry that you were lost, but I'm secretly hoping that you don't want to go back to where you came from.  I don't know if someone dumped you off out here in the country, or if someone is missing you.  You weren't wearing a tag.  I do know that I will be good to you, and you are welcome to stay and call this your new home if you want to.

You're such a pretty shiny black lab... I think I'll call you 'Olive'.

Welcome Home Olive!
DRD

What having boys has taught me...

Some of the coolest things I have learned from raising boys:

1. Males can aim a foreign object WAY better than they can aim a part of their own body.
(I live in the country, and it's easier to let them go outside to pee.  The boys have their own bathroom, because no girl in her right mind would want to share with them.)

2. That smell is probably coming from their room... and it's not gonna be pretty.
(It might be food that they were hiding; it might be urine soaking into the mattress because they were too embarrassed to tell you they peed the bed... either way, it stinks!)

3. It's easier to learn how to ride a motorcycle than a bicycle.
(And training wheels can be used on dirt bikes too!)

4. Nothing is quite as amusing as a really loud fart.
(No matter how much I disagree... there is one thing all of the males in my house have in common.  The funniest joke, isn't spoken from the mouth.)

5. Fighting ninjas is a daily battle.  One that you must never give up.
(What?  You can't see them?  Well, that's because my son is doing a dang good job keeping them away.  The sound effects are cool too.)

6. Fear is a way of life when you have boys.  They are dangerous.  Mom's are terrified.
(They like to jump off of tall things.  They like to wrestle.  They like to go fast.  I really believe boys are not capable of sensing danger.)

7. Five years old is not too young to start planning for that first car.
(Or truck, or jeep.  Chances are they have already envisioned it by this age, and boys don't change their minds like girls do.)

8. Shorts and cowboy boots and goggles are a pretty cool fashion statement.
(And saying they look ridiculous makes them feel like you're ashamed of them.  Who cares if the old lady at the bank looks at you like you're insane?  Your son knows you're proud of who he is.  Isn't that more important anyways?)

9. Little league sports are WAY more exciting than college or pro sports.
(Nothing feels more amazing than running along the sidelines as your son runs his first touch down, or standing behind home plate to hear the ball hit his bat, even if he is so excited that he forgets to run!)

10. It's okay to get dirty once in a while.
(Jump in rain puddles, make mud pies, make snow angels...  These memories will be well worth the load of laundry.  Sometimes, it's even worth having to throw that outfit away entirely.  It's still worth it.)

11. Cesarean section scars are no longer ugly.  They are battle wounds to be proud of.
(Besides, it gives you proof of where babies come from.)

12. They are, in fact, STILL hungry.
(Boys wake up hungry, go to bed hungry, and eat every chance they get in between.  This won't change, so it's better to just get used to it... and make sure to feed them a variety of stuff early on so they aren't picky eaters.  My five year old son orders a sandwich with bell peppers, onions, banana peppers, and tomatoes on it; I know he's going to be okay.)

13. It doesn't have to be broken for fixing it to make perfect sense.
(They take things apart.  Just to see how it works, and to see if they can put it back together.  Maybe even better than before.)

14. Bubble bath has more than one purpose.
(Like pouring out all over the bathroom floor, and slipping and sliding around on all fours.  I must admit, when I caught my son doing this, at maybe 18 months old, a little part of me wished our bathroom was bigger.  Then again, I could buy it in bulk and we could try it in the kitchen?)

15. Dandelions in a mason jar are far more beautiful than the most expensive floral arrangement from the local flower shop.
(Or roses from the neighbor's yard.)

16. If you ask a boy what's wrong and he replies "nothing", he's telling you the truth.
(Leave him alone.  He's starting to wonder what's wrong with YOU.)

17. No two are alike.
(I have one that I can't convince to slow down, and one that's never been in a hurry a single day in his life.) 

18. Boys are hard wired to keep score... and that's okay by me.
(Competition is in their DNA.  I believe in striving to win... it's what makes them try.  In a world where everyone's a winner, for fear of feelings getting hurt, I still want my kids to have motivation and be proud of their accomplishments.)

19. No matter how sheltered you keep them, what movies you don't let them watch, video games you don't let them play, they WILL find a way to turn any toy into a weapon.
(Anything.)

20. There very well may be monsters under the bed.
(Name the monster.  Invite him to dinner.  Monsters don't have to be scary.)

21. It's easier to forget the pain of childbirth, than to forget the pain of stepping on a lego with bare feet.
(Even if you put them up yourself... six months ago... there is still one out there.  And somehow, it's in the middle of the floor, where being bright red and all, it should have been obvious.)

22. Boys are drawn to a sharpie like flies on poop.
(Nothing is off limits... walls, carpets, wood floors, your sofa... if you own a sharpie, they will find it.)

23. Once they pass age 6, their clothes are no longer suitable for passing down.
(Don't even bother.  Everything has holes in it and stains galore.  They don't have to have the most expensive name brand clothing... a lesson that took me a long time to learn.  It's the most expensive item that will get barfed on, or covered in mud.)

24. Scars are cool.
(One of my boys once took a spill on the concrete, skinned his entire face up... really, his skin looked like beef jerky.  His only concern??  Does it look cool, and will it still be there tomorrow so he can show people at school.  True story.)

25. They are tall enough to get it out, but too short to put it away.
(Those games I stash on the top shelf of their closets, or the cereal that I want them to have to ask for help with before getting it down to avoid messes... they will figure out a way to get them down.  But then they shrink just a little bit.)

I am sure that by the time I hit 'publish' that I will learn something else.  Boys are different... unique.  I love being the mother of three sons, and I am more proud of them than they will ever know.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the joys of boys so far, and look forward to the continuous battle between good and evil that is raising sons.

Uh-oh, something smells funny... gotta run...
DRD