I can't make this stuff up...

Did anyone else watch that William Shatner show "Bleep my dad says?"  Well my dad has said a few funny things in his lifetime... but NOTHING in comparison to the bleep my kids say!  I try to remember some of the hilarious crap that my kids have said over the years.  I have even written several down, just so that I can tell them about it when they are older.  And just when I think that it can't get much funnier, another mouth opens!  These are just a few of the things my kids have said that had me in tears laughing!

1. "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Amen!"  (the "Amen" replaced 8 9 10 when my daughter first learned to count.  Either because it sounded similar, or because it's what we say at the 'end'?  Not sure, but it cracked me up every time!)

2. 15 year old daughter: "What to say when someone dies is a popular Google search?!"  5 year old son: "I wouldn't say ANYTHING!  I'd just RUN!"

3. (5 year old getting an iPod touch for Christmas) "Sweet!  It has GPS on it!  I'll always know where I am!"

4. "If I had a billion thousand hands, I could win a snowball fight... but it would take me a looonng time to put my gloves on!"

5. Goofing around obnoxiously with the kids at the hardware store, one of them says: "Great.  We're that weird family that everyone is going to go home and post Facebook statuses about."

6. One son to another: "What flavor of bug juice is that?"  Reply: "Apple juicy fart."

7. "If I catch a fish, can I feel what it feels like?"  Yes, the first fish you catch, you have to kiss it on the lips.  "What if it EATS me?!"

8. "I wash my hands before lunch so my food doesn't get dirty."  (Great idea.  I've seen how dirty your hands get.)

9. "I can count backwards, see? 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0!"  Awesome!!  Did you learn that at daycare?  "No?  I learned that from the microwave!"

10. "Can I get a pet skunk and name it Wanker?"  (a dog maybe?)

11. "That didn't hurt!"  (Well let me fix that!)

12. "You don't have any idea what's cool... You're not even IN middle school!"  (You're right.  Kids that are wearing vampire teeth to school because they've taken the twilight bandwagon too far... THEY are so cool.)

13. (After my son, 3 years old at the time, is recovering from sedation for an EEG) Nurse: "Would you like some jello?"  son: "I'd like some BEANS!!  I love beans."

14. "How many is 16 plus 16?" 32. "Oh.  If 16 plus 16 is 32, I have 5 fingers.  On each hand!"  (Very good, son... very good.)

15. "Can I get a naked movie?" (Out of the mouth of a 3 year old... of course he meant "SMOOTHIE"... but a 3 year old walking through the store asking for a naked movie is always a good time!)

16.  I'm passing out life savers candies.  5 year old: "OHHH I want that green one!!  Is it BROCCOLI flavor?"  (I'm not sure what caught me off guard the most?  The fact that he believed someone would make broccoli flavored candy or the fact that he so desperately wanted that kind?)

17.  We kind of took in a stray cat.  It must have been sickly, because it died within 2 weeks of us finding her.  So, one day my son has his face pressed up against the patio door.  What are you looking at son?  "Well, not the cat, cuz it's DEAD!"

These are just a few of my favorites.  Stay tuned, as I keep writing this stuff down!

Apple Juicy Fart!
DRD

If dogs could read...

Well, hello stray doggy that was hanging out with my kids last night in the back yard.  When I opened the boys curtain this morning for some light, I must admit, I found it quite adorable that you propped your paws up on the window sill and just stared in the window all morning as they got ready for school.  It was so pitiful and we all immediately felt sorry for you sitting out there in the cold.

After they got on the bus, I began to wonder where you came from.  You are obviously quite happy here, as you stuck around all night.  I had to give my husband some puppy dog eyes of my own to convince him to let me bring you in and bathe you.  It had to be done... you were filthy!  But you sure cleaned up nice!

I'm glad that you like me and follow me around, because I kinda like you too.  Enough that I ran to target right after your bath to get some kibbles and bits.  I was pretty excited to see you waiting for me at the end of my driveway when I got home.  You seemed very excited when you recognized my truck.  I wonder if you were that excited when your former owners came home to you?

I'm sorry that you were lost, but I'm secretly hoping that you don't want to go back to where you came from.  I don't know if someone dumped you off out here in the country, or if someone is missing you.  You weren't wearing a tag.  I do know that I will be good to you, and you are welcome to stay and call this your new home if you want to.

You're such a pretty shiny black lab... I think I'll call you 'Olive'.

Welcome Home Olive!
DRD

What having boys has taught me...

Some of the coolest things I have learned from raising boys:

1. Males can aim a foreign object WAY better than they can aim a part of their own body.
(I live in the country, and it's easier to let them go outside to pee.  The boys have their own bathroom, because no girl in her right mind would want to share with them.)

2. That smell is probably coming from their room... and it's not gonna be pretty.
(It might be food that they were hiding; it might be urine soaking into the mattress because they were too embarrassed to tell you they peed the bed... either way, it stinks!)

3. It's easier to learn how to ride a motorcycle than a bicycle.
(And training wheels can be used on dirt bikes too!)

4. Nothing is quite as amusing as a really loud fart.
(No matter how much I disagree... there is one thing all of the males in my house have in common.  The funniest joke, isn't spoken from the mouth.)

5. Fighting ninjas is a daily battle.  One that you must never give up.
(What?  You can't see them?  Well, that's because my son is doing a dang good job keeping them away.  The sound effects are cool too.)

6. Fear is a way of life when you have boys.  They are dangerous.  Mom's are terrified.
(They like to jump off of tall things.  They like to wrestle.  They like to go fast.  I really believe boys are not capable of sensing danger.)

7. Five years old is not too young to start planning for that first car.
(Or truck, or jeep.  Chances are they have already envisioned it by this age, and boys don't change their minds like girls do.)

8. Shorts and cowboy boots and goggles are a pretty cool fashion statement.
(And saying they look ridiculous makes them feel like you're ashamed of them.  Who cares if the old lady at the bank looks at you like you're insane?  Your son knows you're proud of who he is.  Isn't that more important anyways?)

9. Little league sports are WAY more exciting than college or pro sports.
(Nothing feels more amazing than running along the sidelines as your son runs his first touch down, or standing behind home plate to hear the ball hit his bat, even if he is so excited that he forgets to run!)

10. It's okay to get dirty once in a while.
(Jump in rain puddles, make mud pies, make snow angels...  These memories will be well worth the load of laundry.  Sometimes, it's even worth having to throw that outfit away entirely.  It's still worth it.)

11. Cesarean section scars are no longer ugly.  They are battle wounds to be proud of.
(Besides, it gives you proof of where babies come from.)

12. They are, in fact, STILL hungry.
(Boys wake up hungry, go to bed hungry, and eat every chance they get in between.  This won't change, so it's better to just get used to it... and make sure to feed them a variety of stuff early on so they aren't picky eaters.  My five year old son orders a sandwich with bell peppers, onions, banana peppers, and tomatoes on it; I know he's going to be okay.)

13. It doesn't have to be broken for fixing it to make perfect sense.
(They take things apart.  Just to see how it works, and to see if they can put it back together.  Maybe even better than before.)

14. Bubble bath has more than one purpose.
(Like pouring out all over the bathroom floor, and slipping and sliding around on all fours.  I must admit, when I caught my son doing this, at maybe 18 months old, a little part of me wished our bathroom was bigger.  Then again, I could buy it in bulk and we could try it in the kitchen?)

15. Dandelions in a mason jar are far more beautiful than the most expensive floral arrangement from the local flower shop.
(Or roses from the neighbor's yard.)

16. If you ask a boy what's wrong and he replies "nothing", he's telling you the truth.
(Leave him alone.  He's starting to wonder what's wrong with YOU.)

17. No two are alike.
(I have one that I can't convince to slow down, and one that's never been in a hurry a single day in his life.) 

18. Boys are hard wired to keep score... and that's okay by me.
(Competition is in their DNA.  I believe in striving to win... it's what makes them try.  In a world where everyone's a winner, for fear of feelings getting hurt, I still want my kids to have motivation and be proud of their accomplishments.)

19. No matter how sheltered you keep them, what movies you don't let them watch, video games you don't let them play, they WILL find a way to turn any toy into a weapon.
(Anything.)

20. There very well may be monsters under the bed.
(Name the monster.  Invite him to dinner.  Monsters don't have to be scary.)

21. It's easier to forget the pain of childbirth, than to forget the pain of stepping on a lego with bare feet.
(Even if you put them up yourself... six months ago... there is still one out there.  And somehow, it's in the middle of the floor, where being bright red and all, it should have been obvious.)

22. Boys are drawn to a sharpie like flies on poop.
(Nothing is off limits... walls, carpets, wood floors, your sofa... if you own a sharpie, they will find it.)

23. Once they pass age 6, their clothes are no longer suitable for passing down.
(Don't even bother.  Everything has holes in it and stains galore.  They don't have to have the most expensive name brand clothing... a lesson that took me a long time to learn.  It's the most expensive item that will get barfed on, or covered in mud.)

24. Scars are cool.
(One of my boys once took a spill on the concrete, skinned his entire face up... really, his skin looked like beef jerky.  His only concern??  Does it look cool, and will it still be there tomorrow so he can show people at school.  True story.)

25. They are tall enough to get it out, but too short to put it away.
(Those games I stash on the top shelf of their closets, or the cereal that I want them to have to ask for help with before getting it down to avoid messes... they will figure out a way to get them down.  But then they shrink just a little bit.)

I am sure that by the time I hit 'publish' that I will learn something else.  Boys are different... unique.  I love being the mother of three sons, and I am more proud of them than they will ever know.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the joys of boys so far, and look forward to the continuous battle between good and evil that is raising sons.

Uh-oh, something smells funny... gotta run...
DRD

heartbreak hallways

Teenagers.  They know everything.  Especially when they're in love...  Yes, I'm in my thirties now, but if I go back twenty years, I put myself in their shoes.  Easy to do really, since I've been there.  I have teenagers.  They tell me their stories (sometimes) of love and heartbreak.  I don't have to use much imagination to remember what those feelings were like.  The good and the bad.

Oh, when teen love is good, it's great.  You're on top of the world.  Promises to love forever, and swearing that you're more mature than most people, so it's alright to bet that you'll beat the odds.  My high school daughter tells me that kids her age are engaged.  I happen to think that's so ridiculous that it's hilarious.  Really?!  These poor saps actually believe that they'll be together forever, even married.  But I remember thinking the same thing... fifteen years and more than one husband ago.

My husband and I were high school sweethearts at one time.  As we reminisce about days gone by, he always likes to remind me of how I "dumped him for someone else".  So, when one of my kids comes home upset that something similar happened to them... I have to bite my tongue just a little bit.  What I wanna say is "WHAT?! NOBODY hurts my baby!"... But what I have to take a deep breath and remember is... I did a lot of heart breaking when I was younger.  I once broke up with a boyfriend while he was driving me home, after taking me to see my favorite singer in concert.  ON THE WAY HOME!?!  Who does that?! I have broken hearts, and I have had my heart broken.

These days, teenagers have the wonderful world of social networking.  This is like having tabloids at your fingertips at any given moment.  Seriously.  One of my kids will be going through a break up one moment, and the next, there's a dozen other potentials all up on their Facebook wall.  That’s one luxury we didn’t have.  If we liked someone in grade school, we had to take out a pencil and paper… write a note that says “Will you go out with me?  YES or NO… Circle one”.  It had to be passed around to half the class before it made it to the intended…  and we had to wait in desperation for it to be passed back with our fate circled.  If we liked someone in middle school, we actually had to muster up the courage to ask one of our friends to go talk to them for us.  If we liked someone in high school, we had to ask around to see if our friends thought they might be interested.  All in effort of avoiding face to face rejection just in case it didn’t go as planned.

I will continue to nurture my children when they are hurting, all while making light of it, in hopes that they keep their chin up.  I will continue to tease them when they exchange ‘I love you’ with their latest crush, because that’s what I do.  Keep in mind; I did mention that my husband and I were high school sweethearts.  Well, I dumped him for someone else.  Then, somehow we found our way back to each other many years later.  So, maybe we really did know what we were doing when we were teenagers.  Maybe that’s when love is the purest, because our lives weren’t filled with stress.  Either way, those hallways have seen a lot of heartbreak.

I love you all  ; )

DRD

Brian

It's so difficult to know where to begin this particular story.  I have already typed and backspaced more than ever before.  I guess all great stories in history begin with 'Once upon a time'... so I suppose that's a start.

Once upon a time, when I was a young girl in high school, I was introduced to a boy... with the longest mullet I've ever seen.  That was socially acceptable back then, by the way.  His name?  Brian.  The second thing I noticed about Brian (the first being the mullet, of course) was his contagious smile.  He was hilarious, and I mean a real smart ass kind of hilarious (that, we had in common).  And a friendship began.

Over the years, we lost touch, got back in touch, stayed in touch, and considered each other best friends.  When Brian needed to talk, he called me.  When Brian wanted to vent, he called me.  When Brian needed a girl's point of view, he called me.  My husband would kid that he'd be jealous, if he didn't also know him well enough to understand that you can't know Brian and not love him.  When my phone rang, and his photo came up on my caller ID, my husband would say with a giggle, "I'll find something to do, because you're gonna be busy for two hours".  Brian could talk and talk and talk.  There was never a single conversation with Brian that I didn't laugh so hard it hurt.

When Brian and I went anywhere, he wanted to take his truck, but he never wanted to drive.  He always made me drive so he could fiddle with the radio and change cd's after one song.  He claimed to have an 'internal gps' so he'd give me random directions every few minutes, "hang a left here", or "at the next stop sign, turn right".  I can't tell you how many times I got lost following that internal gps of his!  We would laugh that a trip that should have taken 20 minutes would take two hours!  Looking back though, it was worth every single extra moment I was able to spend with him, listening to him sing Chris LeDoux.

We went to the lake together a lot over the last several years.  Brian would show up in a button up shirt, and cowboy boots.  No joke.  He got teased for that a lot.  There was one time that my niece was driving the boat, spinning circles, and he jumped out, just to make her think she threw him out!  Yeah, he jumped out with his jeans and boots on.  He said if he took them off, she'd know he planned it.  He later realized it probably wouldn't have hurt to take his keys out of his pocket with the key fob getting ruined and all... But my niece was horrified thinking she tossed him outta the boat.

Brian and I were close enough friends that when I asked him if I could borrow his four wheeler to take to Waynoka, he didn't even hesitate to say yes.  And even though I paced and paced when it came time to call and admit to him that I rolled it end over end down an eighty foot sand dune, and asked him if we could still be friends, his reply was "I'm sure that it will be awkward  between us for a while, and we'll slowly drift apart and eventually never speak to each other again.  So thanks for ruining a perfectly good friendship."  Of course, he followed with a "RELAX!  I never would have let you borrow it, if I didn't completely trust you."  Thankfully, the friendship continued!

When we planned our wedding, we talked about a very small intimate occasion with only immediate family.  My son, who was seven years old at the time asked who was coming.  I rattled off a few names.  He said, "and Brian"!!  I said "well, we were considering just having family at the wedding, then having all of our friends over for a big reception".  He had a confused look on his face when he replied "but Brian IS family?!"  In that moment, I knew he was right.  He was more than a friend.  He was family.  We decided that family wasn't just our biological relatives.  We had a big wedding after all, surrounded by our loved ones, whether related or not.

It is now with deep sadness that I write this tribute to Brian, as it is in his memory.  Brian meant a lot to me, and to this world.  He was an amazing man, a very devoted and loving father, and a compassionate friend.  When I refer to myself as the Dirt Road Diva, I can't help but think of Brian as my male counterpart in that area.  He was a dirt road country boy, that spent longer getting ready to go somewhere than most divas.  He will forever remain a part of my life, as my memories of him will never fade.

To those of you reading this, whether you knew Brian or not... I leave you with this: Never take one moment for granted.  If you care about someone, tell them.  Tell them often.

Brian, I love you.  You were my rock when I needed you.  I will cherish our time on this earth together for the rest of my days.  Peace out my friend.

The End...

DRD

Too School for Cool

Really.  I put these dreadful purple scrubs on again this morning.  112 days until pinning... in case anyone is counting.  Which reminds me, as I begin my job search...  NOTE TO SELF: do not even bother applying for a job at any place that would require wearing purple scrubs.  I'm burning them in 112 days.  Which also reminds me, maybe it was silly to buy the purple tubing for my stethoscope.  Looking back, yeah it matched my scrubs for the past two years, but it NEVER will again.  But that's the diva in me.  It had to match.  I even had a panic attack after ordering it online and before it arrived, because I feared it wasn't precisely the same shade of "grape".

I'm thankful that within the next 112 days I get a spring break.  I will soon have to come to terms with the idea of never having holidays off.  There's no six weeks off in the winter!  But on the up side, I'll be getting paid to to the job that for the last two years, I've been PAYING to do.  Bonus.

You know you're a nursing student when:

*Your refrigerated items are labeled, dated, and initialed.

*Your arms are toning up from carrying that awful med-surg book around.

*You quickly scramble for a NANDA approved diagnosis whenever anyone complains of anything.

*You can have a conversation about poop and eat at the same time, without missing a beat.

*Your family calls you to ask for your "expert medical opinion".

*You get excited when new admissions are coming in.

*You mumble "when was your last bowel movement?" in your sleep.

*You diagnose yourself with something new every two weeks.

*When you meet someone new, as you shake their hand, instead of the greeting "Nice to meet you" you say, "Nice veins!"

*You know not to believe anyone when they say "No, there is absolutely NO WAY I am pregnant".

*Your family forbids you from discussing your day at the dinner table.

*You hem your pants with steri-strips.

*When you pay your mortgage, you sign 'SN' after your name.

*You eat faster than ever before, usually while still standing.

*You have the bladder of 5 people.

*You maintain a sterile field while cooking dinner.

*You almost giggle when the lady at the pharmacy asks if you have any questions about this medication.

*Your 3 year old has an "owie" and your first words are: "on a scale of 1 to 10"...

*You KNOW that your rational is good, and you will argue to the death for those 2 points.

 Some of the above happen to me on a regular basis... some, I have heard or read something similar to before. I did not look them up or copy anything directly from any other source but I am not claiming that they are all my original ideas and I am definitely not going to claim that anther nursing student or nurse could never have the same experiences, or have said or written the same things.

RN or BUST!

DRD

New Year's Resolutions, my ASS!

I would put money on the fact that probably just about every American has made a New Year's Resolution at some point in their life, and I'd also bank on the fact that a huge percentage of them never really took it seriously, let alone actually followed through and met their goals.  It's so cliche to wait til the first of the year, and vow to change all of your bad habits, or become a "better person" on some level.  I'd even go so far as to guess that MOST of these vows are to lose weight, or be more fit, or something along those lines.  HA!  First of all, good luck.  If your New Year's resolution is simply that you are going to lose weight, you are kidding yourself.  This is the reason that gyms all over the country are jam packed the month of January, and then come February it's just the same old crowd that was on those tread mills last October.  You know, the ones that want you to hurry up and get out of their gym because you're not really gonna stick it out.  The gym, on the other hand loves it because they just sucked you in to a two year contract that you'll use for three weeks, and then donate an arm and a leg to while you sit on your fat ass watching TV.  The most they will get from you is a deep sigh when you drive by it on your way to the nearest drive thru for a greasy burger and super sized french fries.  But what you're gonna be thinking is "those bastards won't let me out of my contract" when what you should really be thinking is "I should have kept going to the gym".  After all, you signed the dang thing.  If you take this personally and are offended, well, it's just reality.  And by the way, I said a huge percentage don't take them seriously.  I didn't say everybody.

So, with that being said... Wanna know my New Year's resolution?

Well... I don't have the body of a super model.  I came by it honestly... spending several years of my life lugging babies around inside my body.  They can't grow in there without me getting bigger too?!  And lemme tell you... three cesarean sections will really do some damage!  But my resolution is not to lose weight.

I am committing to taking the trash out.  Not the trash that's in the can, in the corner of the kitchen... although, that DOES need to be taken out more often.  I mean all of the garbage in my life.

For starters, there's those several hundred "friends" on facebook.  The ones that friend requested me because we sat next to each other in third grade.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE catching up with old friends, and being in touch with so many of you again.  However, if you think that little bar that asks you "what's on your mind" is full of clothes pins for you to air all of your (or anyone else's) dirty laundry, I probably don't need to read it, and neither does the rest of the world.  If you suspect your husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend is cheating on you, or if you're having a fight with your teenage son / daughter... take care of it at home.  Why would you want the kid that sat by you on the bus in sixth grade, but you haven't seen or talked to him since, to have a view into that window?  Better yet, what makes you think that we want to see what's inside?  If I don't even really know you very well personally, I certainly don't need to know that your husband's ex-wife's sister's boyfriend is secretly seeing some red headed girl that was at such and such bar last night.  Tacky.  Also, facebook is not going to charge you for your account.  But they also aren't going to pay you or anyone else for hitting the share button on some link.  Hey guys!!  For every follower I get on my blog here, I'm going to take one of my own dollars and donate it to myself in your honor!  How's that?  Now that's a real promise.  Stop copying and pasting stupid crap.  I recently gave someone advice to keep the good, and delete the drama, in fact, to remove from your life, ANYONE or ANYTHING that causes you anything but happiness.  So, I'm gonna take a spoon full of my own medicine!  Taking out the trash!

So... as for those New Year's Resolutions... I'm not advising that anyone stop making goals.  I'm just suggesting that if you really want that result, that you not give up on yourself and see it through.

Til next time...

DRD